Wills bett..I mean other half is back

Okay, so Will has done enough blogging for the both of us, but he has been pestering me to pull my own weight on this website, so here I go. No really, I have wanted to write, but I have just been so preoccupied with wedding planning, then the wedding, then the honeymoon, then the settling in, then the....you get the point.

So much has happened in the last month, that I really don't know where to begin. I guess I'll go chronologically, and see where that takes me.

1. Pre-Wedding Recollections

The last few days leading up to the wedding went by SO fast (as everyone told me they would), but not just because of all the last minute planning and details, but because two of my closest friends came up from Toronto just to be with me (and Will), to be at our beck and call. I was overcome by their loyalty and love. Yes, we have been friends since grade school; Yes, we have gone through thick and thin together. Some of the oldest friendships still don't survive the test of time. But these ones did. I was humbled by their unfailing readiness and willingness to help Will and I with whatever we asked them to do, be it fetch something from the car, make some signs, watch me get my nails done, decorate the church, write a song for the processional and perform it...and things we didn't ask them to do, like tell old inside jokes to remind me to laugh, comfort me when I worry about things, put together a slide show for the reception. They did the aforementioned, and then some. Whenever I showed surprise or gratitude for their help, they brushed it off saying, "That's what friends are for. That's why we came!" Maybe I just need a better lesson in what friendship is all about, because they certainly taught me a thing or two.

2. Rehearsal Night Recollections

I'd have to say that the day before the wedding was THE MOST stressful of all. I guess it makes sense; All the last minute things HAD to get done, no if, ands or buts about it. That meant yet another late night for me and my friends. The rehearsal was hard too, just because I was expected to answer so many questions (understandably) that I didn't know the answers to, which made me feel very unprepared...although I thought we were quite prepared given we had done pretty much all the planning ourselves. That night at the restaurant where everyone was having supper, I had my first and last wedding breakdown in the bathroom. It had to happen at some point, I guess. Did that EVER feel good. That night following the supper was crazy and fun. My two girlfriends and I were joined by my other close friend, who was in my wedding party, and the three of us drove around town getting last minute stuff done, until 3am. We were going to have cappucinos together when we got back, but instead we just crashed.

3. Wedding Day Recollections

After the most stressful day of all, I had the most stress free day of all! The wedding day itself was a blast, and I knew that everything had been done, and if not, it was too late to worry about it (I can't say the same for Will---he was running around getting last minute things done for us that morning). Driving up to the church in the morning, we pulled a Mission Impossible when one of my friends ran ahead to make sure the coast was clear of any groom or groom associates, and we bee-lined to the bathroom. There we camped out and got ready, and had a false sense of comfort that the ceremony wouldn't start without us. Well, it did. We (my wedding party and I) could hear the musical cue coming from the sanctuary, and the girls were supposed to be there for the procession. Uh oh! We ran for the sanctuary doors, and managed to keep to the processional plan, although a few beats behind. The ceremony was beautiful, including an excellent meditation by Chip Bender, an unexpected laughing fit by a member of my wedding party during the signing of the register, a comedic foot washing, where Will and I had a silent argument over who would take his shoes off and put them back on, and wonderful singing by the quartet.

Our plan for outdoor photography was sabotaged by the rain, but that didn't get to us too much, as it forced us to take pictures in the sanctuary, with the beautiful banners that we had made for the ceremony, by my great aunt. We did attempt to take some photographs outside, but I imagine all those pictures are blurry from my shivering about.

The reception was SO much fun, and so relaxing, considering we had done all the preparations that needed to be done. The speeches were heart warming, as well as the (3!) slide shows, and the kissing game (as an alternative to clinking glasses) was quite hilarious (where people were invited to show us how to kiss). The only downside to the evening was that my key chain went missing, and I did not feel comfortable leaving until we found them. We didn't, that night. It wasn't until after the honeymoon that I found them in the back pouch of my bag, where they had been THE WHOLE TIME, even on the honeymoon.

4. Honeymoon Recollections

As Will stated, we went to Cape Breton for our honeymoon. The first day of our honeymoon was not without it's stresses. To start things off, we missed our early morning flight from the Toronto airport (despite our staying in a hotel AT the airport--go figure). So, we just had to stay in our room and wait for the next flight at 4:30. That turned out to be a blessing in disguise because we needed our sleep like nobody's business. Arriving in Halifax, we were unable to rent a car that night, because we did not have enough money on our credit cards, and they required full payment through plastic. Doh! We had to shuttle over to the airport hotel, where we would spend the second night of our honeymoon in a hotel. This TOO turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because it meant we could make the 5 hour drive to our cottage in Cape Breton in DAY LIGHT, which made for good sight seeing and not getting lost.

It was SOO beautiful there, as we had come in time to see all the trees with full leaves, and in full colour. We stayed in a log cabin in the woods, on Bras D'Or Lake, and it was more than we could have imagined. We managed to see much of the island, driving all the trails around it in the week we were there. We completed our goals of seeing lighthouses and eating lobster. We did go whale watching one day, but it turned out to be "wave watching" as that was about all we saw for the first hour. We did see the tail fin of a Minke Whale, but that was it. We had just missed the whales' migration. We also missed Ceiligh season, which was another disappointment for us, but we had our own little ceiligh at the Sydney fiddle (the world's largest fiddle, I'd say), where you can hear celtic music playing from it. Another downside to showing up after tourist season was that the Fortress of Louisberg was closed, in that there were no staff there in costume, no food being prepared, and most of the buildings were locked. The upside is we got a private tour of the place, and were taken to some places tourists weren't usually taken. Even with missing most of the tourist attractions on Cape Breton, though, I can still say it was the best honeymoon I've ever had (doesn't have too hard an act to follow). But really, it was wonderful.

5. Returning Home Recollections

We were excited to come home to our new apartment. We looked forward to being able to live together, without one of us having to drive to another place for the night. It was hard getting back into the swing of things, though, and when I went to work the following day (after returning) my mind was elsewhere. I can't say much of it has come back since, and I'm still struggling with that. Work aside, married life is proving to be "fun" so far, just as many people told us it was. I look forward to a lifetime of this.

   [ posted by Anabee @ 10:10 AM ]

Looking into the light
Yesterday I had a dental check-up, for the first time in 15 years. It wasn't that I was avoiding going to see a dentist, I've only now become eligible for a dental plan, and I hadn't had any problems with my teeth until just before the wedding. I wouldn't have gone in either, but a toothache was starting to really bother me, and Ana didn't want to hear me complain about it anymore, so I made an appointment. At the first appointment, I was told that I had started grinding my teeth at night and it was pushing one of my wisdom teeth into a nerve and I was given some anti-inflammatories to bring the swelling down. Problem solved. While I was in there, they convinced me to come back for a more thorough check-up, which was yesterday.

I wasn't particularly looking forward to going. I don't mind the poking and prodding or the time inconvenience. What I most wanted to avoid was the lecture and guilt trip about dental hygiene. Now, I'll admit I'm not exactly the poster boy for dental hygiene, and I don't have the whitest of smiles. That does not mean however that I can be subjected to a guilt trip by some over educated "doctor".

As a pastor, I started to wonder if this is how people feel about going to church. This isn't a new simile, and I know others have made similar comparisons before. People don't want to come to church, no matter how comfy the seats, if it means they'll be told that their life's priorities are all screwed up.

As it turns out, despite my 15 year hiatus from dental supervision, I was doing quite well: minimal wear on my gums, no cavities, wisdom teeth grown in, and everything in relatively good order. People weren't condescending or judgmental. When they spoke about things I didn't understand and I asked for clarification, they repeated it so I'd get it. Sure they wanted me to come back and give them more money, but they made a good point about why I should. All in all, it was a rather pleasant experience, even though I still had to pay for it, benefit package pending.

So the question is whether or not a church should be expected to duplicate that experience. I didn't leave the office with any increased motivation to improve my dental hygiene. When I have dental issues again, I'll go to that office. If we run our church like that, would we just get a bunch of people who prefer us because they feel more comfortable with us, than they do at other churches? Is that what we really want? Still, I think there is something that can be learned from this exchange. If people's fears are fulfilled when they walk in the door, they won't come back.

   [ posted by William @ 2:39 PM ]

Stuff It!
In my community, we don't get door to door mail delivery. Each resident has a Post Office box at the center of town, and we are responsible to pick it up ourselves. I have no problem with this obvious cost cutting measure. I walk to the post office with the same anticipation I used to walk to the mailbox. I am still however, quite upset with the myriad of junk mail that I receive. Especially frustrating is the personally addressed letters advertising anything from credit cards to life and death charities. They look like real mail, but they're not.

I've finally decided that I've had enough. A while ago I read some email spam (ironic as it is) which planted the seed of vengeance in my mind. It seemed that the best response to receiving their garbage was to send them my own garbage. It's easier and cheaper than you might think. Most often, these personally addressed promotions include a postage paid envelope. What I do, usually right there in the post office after I get my mail, is put all the papers they just mailed to me (plus some other stuff if it fits: flyers, candy bar wrappers, other junk mail), lick it, seal it, and send it back to them.

I think it's a healthy protest. It gives money to Canada Post they wouldn't otherwise get. My name is already on the papers I'm sending back to them, so it's not anonymous (you don't have to put your name on it if you don't want to). It's an obvious expression of displeasure, so I'm not just being a nuisance.

Now, I know that the CEO of Capital One doesn't open my junk filled envelopes and become ridden with guilt. It's likely someone paid minimum wage who reads my personal information from the application into the computer and opens the next letter. I doubt this person communicates my protest to their superior. They might though, and their superior might tell their superior. Even if my opinions aren't expressed to key decision makers by word of mouth, it is communicated financially. Their advertising campaign becomes more expensive, and that little bit less worthwhile.

I know that I won't single-handedly take down the practice of advertising via unrequested mail. If lots of other people starting doing the same, we might. Even if we don't, it still feels really good, therapeutic even, to stuff their return envelopes and mail their garbage back to themselves. Checking my mail is fun again.

   [ posted by William @ 11:28 AM ]

"That's What I Should Have Said!"
Many of you have likely had your own George Costanza moments where you are leaving a conversation and then realize what would have been the most appropriate/funniest comment for the situation. I had many of those moments this past Monday when I took part in the filming of CTS' Faith Journal which is airing as I type this post.

I was called in as an expert on faith and manners on the Internet. It was quite an honour. I like the manner with which my readers conduct themselves when responding to my posts, but it may only be because they are mostly all still my friends, and if I were to become more famous/well-read, I may lose that niche of cozy politeness.

I would like to add a few comments that I was too slow to add during the program.

• I don't like creating an Internet personna. I think that makes the discussion less genuine and it invites other unpleasant personnas to be unpleasant.
• Blogging without comments is irresponsible. If you as a regular citizen are posting your random thoughts and I am not allowed to respond in some way or another, I will not read your blog on a regular basis. If I want to read someone who's too busy/arrogant to read my responses to their ideas, I'll pick up a newspaper.
• High traffic web sites will have unwanted visitors, that can't be avoided. Whether comments should be censored or blocked is up to the host.
• Generally though, you create your own blog environment. If you are insensitive and rude, the people who write in your blog comments will also be insensitive and rude. If you make arrogant and antagonistic comments, you will be treated in kind.

There was also no mention during the show about Ana, my wife and blogging partner. She is busy with post wedding stuff and hasn't been able to post regularly or add input to this discussion (translation: she's busy doing the clean up that I should be doing). She makes the blog more fun, and she'll be back to add her charm to these pixels again soon.

I was quite disappointed with my performance on the show, but I'm sure everyone is. It's tough for me to over-ride my peaceful demeanor and almost interrupt someone to make my point. I think it's ironic that my manners (good or bad) impacted my performance on a panel show, about manners.

I invite any and all comments about my appearance on the show, your thoughts on manners on the web, or anything else. Thanks.

   [ posted by William @ 8:11 PM ]

Wedding Invitation Etiquette
The world is full of wedding experts, but like us, most of them are already married. As we stumbled through the whole process, we discovered which things came easy and which were quite difficult. Each couple has their own problems, but for many, the guest list is a significant one.

I had always envisioned having a huge wedding, like a community celebration. I don't like going to weddings in half-full churches. Out of my own vanity, I viewed a full church as a mark of popularity and achievement. I didn't imagine that I would have difficulty choosing who to invite, because I would just invite everyone imaginable. It didn't quite work that way. A few things got in the way:
1. Our hometown connections weren't as solid as they once were, so many of those friends had fallen out of touch with us.
2. Not everyone likes going to weddings, so an open invitation isn't sufficient for a lot of people.
3. Our celebrity status hadn't really extended beyond our own small community.
We still had quite a few people come out, a few reasons:
1. My job as youth pastor makes me a public figure.
2. We're both members of loving and supportive church networks.
3. Our social groups didn't overlap much.
4. I have a larger than average family.

We started with a small list of people that came to our heads most automatically. We were told we could sit 250 people at the reception comfortably, so we had a higher ceiling than most, and we wanted as much as possible to not let money get in the way. We didn't do much trimming, that is to say we didn't do any trimming. As the weeks went by, there were quite a few people that came to mind that should perhaps be on the list. Some were added, some were not, but our original list was quite extensive. Our meal was served and prepared by a committee of volunteers, so we were able to cut food costs. In some ways we had too many friends there, as we were not able to talk to all of them personally before the night was over.

Every family has their own political turmoil, even mine. I'll try to be as generic as possible, but in my extended family, a few weddings have been boycotted/unattended for theological reasons. I personally disagreed with those theological reasons as well as with the idea of using a wedding as the soapbox from which your views are preached. So I could have responded by neglecting to invite those who refused to show their support to others. I spoke to a few victims of those boycotts and asked if they wanted me to do that. Since they were indifferent, I went ahead and invited them anyway. (I use italics in this paragraph to diminish the meanings of these events. What happened hardly justifies using such weighty words, though that's essentially what they were)

Weddings to me are public celebrations, not opportunities for revenge, spite or theological debate. For me to boycott those people for boycotting other weddings would be textbook hypocrisy. There's no room at weddings for hypocrisy either.

   [ posted by William @ 2:35 PM ]

Fringe Focus
Our mailbox was full to overflowing when we got back from our honeymoon. Among the bills and junk mail were two periodicals, which I have only now had a chance to read. I receive The Mennonite on a semi-monthly basis. It's the conference newsletter of Mennonite Church USA, and enough of it crosses over into Canadian and international issues, that it's worthwhile for me to read it. The most recent issue has two articles in it about reaching out to fringe groups. Sometimes churches can be accused of neglecting fringe groups despite good intentions, but the fringe groups mentioned this time are often ignored or themselves blamed for their disenfranchisement.

The first article was written by a young adult who had been asked to suggest ways that churches could more actively engage young adults. The second article (they were printed back to back) was written by a single ordained minister about how to make churches single-friendly. I still consider myself a young adult, and not too long ago I was a single as well (long ago enough). I can easily identify with these groups feeling left out.

The first writer didn't offer up any easy solutions, and did suggest some valid sociological points to ponder. Essentially her point was that young adults want to be respected as intelligent adults while still being given the freedom to just be crazy kids. It seems to me that in most churches, the most frightening thing about waning young adult attendance is that it is a sure indicator of failure. If young adults don't go to church, people often think that the church didn't do a good enough job of showing them the truth, and that the family didn't do a good enough job of keeping them in line. It's easier to blame society or just the waywardness of youth than it is to accept your own mistakes. Maybe dragging a kid to church isn't going to produce a willingness in adulthood. Maybe the "grow up and get in line" mentality in institutional Christianity doesn't work period, let alone with young adults.

I was different somehow. I went to church willingly as a child, attended youth functions willingly as a teenager, and I attended church willingly every week as a young adult away from home. Part of the reason I was encouraged to go into (youth) ministry is because of this attitude. Should I and others like me to made to "bottle up" what we have and reproduce it in others? I don't think that's fair to me or to the people I work with. Looking back now, I don't understand a lot of things about my youth. Why did I go to church more willingly than my siblings? Why did I keep going to youth functions even though the popular kids had way more fun? Why do some of those people and institutions that were so formative to me then look less credible now? Nature or nurture? Was I "pre-destined" to be this way or was it a process of formative people and events? A lot of young adults don't want to have anything to do with church, and when they find out what it takes to keep them, many churches don't care all that much about young adults. Both are hoping for the unlikely. Churches wait for the YA's to get married and settle down into a church, and young adults wait for the church to catch the postmodern drift. The exceptions happen at the individual level, and my advice goes to the individual level.
To churches: talk to your young adults. See what they want. See if they want to be involved in some way. Listen to what they are thinking and allow them to ask questions.
To young adults: take ownership of meaningful aspects of your life. Don't wait for a church to form itself around your worldview and musical interests. Make yourself comfortable where you are by refusing to allow the larger body to ignore you.

I won't go on about the single issue, I'll just post a few of the recommendations. The writer suggests that individual members need to change how they address singles in the lobbies and foyers of churches before and after the service. That, more than anything else, impacts how single adults feel in church community settings.
Many of the recommendations include the suggestion that we not urge them to date and/or marry as soon as possible. Sad but true that these things need to be said.
1. Encourage friendships between genders and assume first that it's just a friendship.
2. If two singles from church sit together, don't assume they're dating.
4. Be encouraging to them about other interests besides dating.
16. Don't play matchmaker without asking.
Some other helpful points/suggestions:
5. Singles get tired of coming to church functions alone, so sometimes they just stay home.
14. Recognize that single women are not trying to steal the married men.
20. Review your ministries, special events, announcements and sermon illustrations. - No need to worry there, I don't have enough married life illustrations to use and Ana doesn't want me to talk about her from the pulpit anyway.

I have many memories of sitting alone or by default with a single girl, and both of us acknowledging the rumours being spread. Good thing for us we weren't phased by it, much.

   [ posted by William @ 4:28 PM ]