The Menno Melange

Like many Canadians, I was swept up in the buzz around the CBC’s recent programming creation “The Seven Wonders of Canada”. I had some favourites that were excluded (the sleeping giant), I was intrigued by and agreed with some of the inclusions (the canoe), but mostly I appreciated hearing about the various nominations called in from all parts of this country.

As much as I am a fan of this great country and its history, I thought that a fitting companion would be another one called “The Seven Blunders of Canada”.

I doubt the CBC would run it, so I’ll start it here on a blog that most people have stopped reading. Of course there are all sorts of biases involved here, but this is my list. I’d love to see people trackback to me with their own lists. Here we go:

1. Komogata Maru link
Leaving a boat full of perfectly legally arriving immigrants off shore without allowing them to land is a pinnacle of cruelty and intolerance.

2. Residential schools link
We wouldn’t be the first country to attempt to remove culture/religion from natives, but taking first nations children from their homes, allowing health to deteriorate as it did, not informing parents when their children had died, and all the other stuff make this part of our history even more unbearable.

3. Chinese head tax link
Imagine applying a tax on certain immigrants and not on others. Profiting from racism has made many countries strong, unfortunately Canada is included in this group.

4. Internment of Japanese Canadians link
Canadian citizens had their land taken away and sent into camps, almost like what our enemy was doing.

5. Renaming things
Imagine being a First Nations Canadian whose ancestors lived off of a river for centuries, when an insignificant and disoriented white man named Mackenzie paddles up and asks for your help and food. Later you’ll learn that they have named the mighty river after that man.

6. Not buying Alaska
Seward bought Alaska for almost nothing and now the US owns a piece of land that really should belong to us.

7. Not adding Bobby Hull to the Summit Series team
Okay, this one is a little less serious, but no matter how great that team was and no matter how great the accomplishment was, they weren’t the best available team. The NHL/WHA squabble meant increased salaries, an uneven hockey fan base and messed up team dynamics. There were great players in the WHA, and Bobby Hull could have helped make that team stronger.

The NHL playoffs began tonight. As a fan of the Ottawa Senators, I have begun my ritual preparations. Of course only two teams will make it to the finals. For many people, namely fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs, this is a time when they must choose a new team to cheer for, since their own has missed the playoffs. When my team gets eliminated, which has happened every year, I then become a fan of good hockey. Until then, I will do what I can to help my team win. Rob recorded his own playoff ritual in 2004, and there are many other types of playoff rituals, but I have a new one this year. Sure I have a jersey that I can wear, and my Senators flag and license plate adorn my car, but I have a new item this time around.

Last year, Ana was preparing for a new knitting project, so she asked me what sort of sweater I would like. The last time the Ottawa Senators won the Stanley Cup, their goalie was the legendary Clint Benedict. While some fans like to go retro and wear older versions of their favourite team’s jersey, I wanted an even older style hockey jersey. I did a Google Image Search for Clint Benedict and printed her off a copy of what I found, and she did her handiwork.

Both of us were quite pleased with the end result. I’ve worn it all over the place, I’ve even played hockey with it on. When I wore this sweater during the fall and winter, she was thrilled, partly because she thought I looked good in it, and partly because it meant that I had appreciated her work. Now when I wear it in a bid to help out my team, she is a little embarrassed at how big a nerd she married. However, just like my Sens in previous years, she can’t win them all.

While our prime minister is currently in the news for something else, I’d like to comment on something I saw him do a few weeks ago.

When the Leafs and Senators played in the season opener, one of the side stories was that Stephen Harper was in attendance, and cheering for the Leafs. I was distracted by the Senators’ win (one of their bright spots so far this season) and by the mention of the sale of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hockey fans in Calgary could have been upset to watch the guy they voted in cheering for the enemy Leafs. Fans in Ottawa who have watched the new guy residing at 24 Sussex cheering for the provincial rivals. Political sceptics could have seen his allegiance as pandering to the big city vote. Even as a fan of the Senators and a sceptic of political posturing in every aspect of life, I saw it in a different light.

Sitting beside him was his Leaf jersey wearing son, who was genuinely excited to be at the game, hardly the ideal companion for a man pandering for votes. I once worked at a sports retail store where our manager was quite excited by the success of the Leafs during their playoff run that particular season, but his excitement was fuelled by the extra money he was making by selling Leafs merchandise. Now, while I don’t actually believe that the prime minister is a big hockey fan, I didn’t sense that kind of fake enthusiasm, but a real enthusiasm based on something else.

I grew up dreaming of attending an NHL hockey game, and when I finally did, my two companions were my equally excited brother and my dad, who didn’t know the difference between innings and periods. Neither I or my brother were fans of the two teams playing, but we were excited to be there. At every home-team goal, we were on our feet, and so was our dad, not because he wanted a certain team to win, or because he knew exactly what was going on, but because it was an exciting place, and we was excited to be there with us.

Stephen Harper was at a hockey game with his son, and who cares how or why he got his tickets or which team he was cheering for.

I watched the 2006-07 NHL season opener tonight. Besides getting to see my Ottawa Senators trounce the Leafs, I heard something that likely also caught the ear of many other locals as well. The Pittsburg Penguins have been purchased by a local businessman, and he may be inclined to move the team to somewhere in Southern Ontario. Read the TSN story here. While Hamilton is an obvious choice, and the frequent subject of other rumours, Kitchener-Waterloo was also mentioned. Various names will be suggested by local pundits, Kitchener-Waterloo Penguins seems to be the easiest at this point, but I will also submit my own idea.

It may sound ridiculous, even a little overboard, but I think that the arrival of the NHL team should accomplish another much needed feat. In that spirit, I suggest the name: Berlin Blackbirds
The benefits are enormous.

• The first, and most obvious that it forces a city name change as well. Having two city names for one connected urban area is unnecessary, especially with the amount of civic amalgamation that has already taken place and will continue to take place. This would bring back the old pre-war name for the area. We’re not at war with Germany anymore anyway, and Lord Kitchener wasn’t all that great a guy anyway.
• Second, penguins, by definition are black birds, so the logo stuff would still be relevant, and no expensive changes or rebranding process would be necessary.
• Finally, Jim Balsillie’s wealth is a product of the success of Research in Motion and their Blackberry technology. It really isn’t that big of a leap from blackberry to black bird. They would quickly market each other.

There’s really no reason that this shouldn’t work, so when it does, remember that it was my idea.

The only Paul Martin I want to hear talking about hockey plays for the New Jersey Devils. While the current NHL player lockout does put a damper on Canadian spirits, it is not a government matter. With this opinion, I was of course disgusted to hear that Martin commented on his role in the labour crisis during recent interviews. Then I heard the words that he actually said, and my anger turned away from Martin, and toward the media outlets.

It seems to me that Martin has done next to nothing to involve himself in the process, and careful wording on his part gave reporters enough to go on. From this article on cbc.ca, he said “‘There’s only a role for Ottawa if the parties want it,’ Martin said Tuesday.” To me, that says, “They haven’t asked for my help, and I haven’t offered it.” In the TV portion of the interview that I saw, he mentioned that he had not spoken directly to either NHL commissioner Gary Bettman or NHLPA president Bob Goodenow, but that he had contacted representatives of both sides about what could be done. Again, to me that says his people talked to their people, and nothing happened.

Paul Martin offered nothing, and neither Bettman nor Goodenow could care less, so why is CBC, and the various media outlets, making a big deal of this? Part of the frustration of the lack of hockey, is that hockey reporters now have to cover politics, and this kind of crap is the result of it.

Last night, for a bit of nostalgia, I joined my friends Jared and Dave for a hockey game at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. A few years ago I watched Game 7 of the Toronto-Ottawa series. This was a match-up between their farm teams, and the arena was at roughly half-capacity, so it was even more dead than the playoff game, whose only enthusiasm was enforced by the scoreboard.

Highlights of the evening:
- Getting booed when I revealed my Senators jersey. It just makes the game that much more entertaining when my mere presence antagonizes people.
- Trading Simpsons quotes. It’s tough to find people as appreciative of the Simpsons as my college group of friends. Not only do they like the show as much as I do, they also recognize as many or more quotes from various episodes as I do.
- Eating a giant Burrito. After the game we stopped in at Burrio Boyz, a great little shack where they make the best burritos-to-go that I’ve ever tasted. Dave not being able to handle the hot sauce he spontaneously ordered added to the fun.

With my apologies to John Donne, I think this statement applies now to NHL hockey fans. It seems that many fans only know how to sit and grumble about the inactivity of the league and the union. That frustrates me as well, but there are some pretty wild comments being made by hockey fans, even here in southern Ontario. Among the more blasphemous statements, is “there is no hockey”. There is still plenty of hockey. Around here, both the Kitchener Rangers and the London Knights are having phenomenal seasons, and tickets are impossible to get. Closer to Toronto, where the legions of Blue and White Maple Leaf fans are moaning the loudest, there are tonnes of OHL teams, teams that get almost no support.

As long as hockey fans sit idly by and wait for the NHL to resume, there is no push for them to start talks again. The last thing NHL folks want is to realize that hockey fans will turn elsewhere for their hockey fix. As soon as we start doing that, they’ll go back to the tables. Hockey fans, go watch a game, Jr. A, Jr. B, Sr. A, church league, even old men’s pick-up hockey. Those games are fun as well, the seats are cheaper and also closer to the action than you could get at an NHL rink. Funny things happen at community hockey games, you find you bump into people you know, you don’t feel gouged when you buy a hotdog, and you won’t get a stress attack trying to get out of the parking lot. People in Kitchener and London are already doing that, that’s why I can’t get tickets.

I play baseball, not very well, but I play. Until this year, my competitive baseball resume consisted only of church league softball, where I had won two different league championships with the two different teams that I had played on. It was no secret that I wasn’t a key contributor to the success of those teams. While I delivered key hits at points, and key catches from time to time, I merely held my own, and no more.

This year, I made the switch to a more competitive league, and a fastball one at that. The team that I am on now is officially the men’s baseball team for the church that I pastor. However, in a relatively frequent apparent contradiction, the team is made up of guys who drink, swear and who talk sexually all the time. These are not the kind of guys that I grew up with, and I certainly didn’t have a lot of friends like this in college or high school. Combining my different lifestyle, with my inability to play the game at a highly competitive level, I expected to not fit in here as well. I enjoy baseball though, and I didn’t sense much immediate discrimination, so I played along, and joined the guys for beers after the game (I don’t drink any, I’m just there to shoot the breeze with them). I fit in now, and I enjoy the games and much of the post-game ritual.

There has been some concern voiced recently that a team of guys that swear as much as they do, etc. are a bad reflection on the church. I was asked my opinion on that matter. I said that I see no connection between playing baseball and being a Christian, so the complaint is irrelevant. I’ve since done some more thinking about it. Surely I would have more fun with a bunch of guys more similar to my own set of beliefs, who told my type of jokes, and who drank less if at all, but I’ve come to embrace where I am at.
- Other teams don’t swear as much, but there are more than one player in the league who has a jersey number 69, and there is a team called the Hooters. Surely if we would censor out all aspects of the league that are un-Christian, those things would disappear as well.
- Jesus didn’t play baseball, but if he did, his team would likely resemble the 12 disciples who came from all walks of life, most of them with rough and tumble pasts.
- I am a minister (professionally, but we as Christians are all called to minister) and even in the holiest of places, my church, I have to minister, why should I expect not to do so on the baseball diamond.
- Churches could learn a lot from my baseball team. I shouldn’t fit in there, but I do. I live differently and would prefer them to live more like me, but they accept me. They offer me non-alcoholic drinks, they laugh at my jokes, and they forgive my misgivings, on and off the field. Do we as Christians do the same? What if they felt as accepted in my church, as I do around their cooler of beer?
- Being a Christian doesn’t make you a good baseball player, in fact, it should make you a worse baseball player. Giving help to the needy and hope to the downtrodden are at the core of Jesus’ teachings. Who is more needy and downtrodden than the team that gets beat 17-2?
I like the idea of church league baseball, and I also like the idea of Calvin’s Geneva, but for us to try to create a utopian state, where everyone loves each other, and fun is had by all, is unrealistic. It’s baseball, teams win and teams lose, umps make bad calls, and players make bad plays, and because of those things, people get upset. It’s not my place to tell other people how to get upset, but to show them a better way to respond.

As an avid hockey fan, I must say that I am quite enjoying this season’s playoffs. Even though my team lost in the first round, and team management panicked and fired one of the best coaches in the league. As much as I see myself as a moderately successful playoff prognosticator, I did not foresee this outcome.

Last season, there was also a Cinderella story with the Anaheim Mighty Ducks advancing all the way to the Stanley Cup finals. Another event was perspiring that made the whole thing more interesting. A California woman, herself a Mighty Ducks fan, had been pressuring her long time boyfriend to consider marriage. He, also a Mighty Ducks fan, at the beginning of last season’s playoffs, said that if the Mighty Ducks won the Stanley Cup, he would propose, and they would get married. Of course the team’s run to the Stanley Cup was improbable, given their list of opponents, but on the back of their goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere, they made it to game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals. Media outlets caught on to the story, and the couple was flown out to watch the games. He proposed at the beginning of game 7, even though his team still lost. And everybody was happy.

This year there is a similar story. I was talking hockey with my friend at the beginning of the playoffs, and since his favourite team, the Edmonton Oilers were already eliminated, he wanted to devise a new method of growing a playoff beard. He had a list of five teams and as they lost, he would shave various parts of his face (ie. neckbeard, mustache, soul patch, etc.). I suggested he pre-assign teams to the regions on his face, which he did. The unlikely part, is that he assigned Calgary to the left half of his beard and Tampa Bay to the right half. Most hockey experts were picking Calgary to last one round fewer than Tampa Bay, but Rob was not deterred. This is the result. So while many people will be cheering for various reasons, Rob (and his wife) will be cheering for aesthetics.

Being a sports guy, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I participate in an annual sports gambling ritual. I put down $5 to say that my ability to predict the outcome of the NCAA basketball championship tournament every March. Generally I’m pretty frugal with my money, so you’d think I’d be pretty confident in my skills, and I am. You’d also think then that I have a solid understanding of NCAA basketball schools and their programs, but you’d be wrong.
Quick math suggests that there are roughly 2 to the 64th possible brackets. That works out to 1.84 times 10 to the 19th power, but really only about 1/8th of those are within the realm of possibility. Given that many possible outcomes, anybody can win, and anybody can lose. Hardcore basketball people lose these pools all the time to people who know next to nothing about sports.
Although I agree that the principle behind college basketball makes for a more interesting sport to follow than the NBA, I do feel that intense fanfare around it worsens the commercialization of the amateur game. I also feel that not following gives me an advantage in this pool, yes you read correctly, an advantage, here’s why:
- I have no emotional allegiance to the success or failure of any one team, because I don’t follow any one team, and I generally forget from year to year who my good picks were
- I follow the trends, I know that the #10 seed wins 55% of their first round games, and the 9th seed wins 60% of theirs
- You can’t predict the obvious and still call yourself an expert, even if it then comes true. Hardcore ballers know this, and avoid the easy picks, I don’t care how easy the picks are.
Here is how I fill out my brackets.
- First round - every #1, 2 and 3 seed advances, only one from each #13, 12 and 11 seed advance, and half of the #9 and #10 seed advances
- Final Four - 2 or 3 #1 seeds, never four
- Pairs - this is an authentic Will suggestion
- pick four first round pairs (teams with similar names, same state, similar mascots, whatever)
- two of those pairs advance, one pair advances to the Sweet 16 as well
- one pair does not advance
- with the final pairing, one team advances that shouldn’t, and the other that should win, doesn’t
(make it tough too, don’t just say UTEP and ETSU have similar names and they both get eliminated, that’s clearly already going to happen, but if you pick them to both advance, and they do, HELLO!)
- Make up your own quirky method. If you win, hey you’ve got a good selection algorithm, if you lose it doesn’t matter, because you don’t know anything about sports anyway.